Sunday, May 23, 2004
taste.
this is the taste
of everything
you have lacked
til this
moment
in your life.
all wrapped up
and embodied
in just a few
hours;
it is
waiting to fill
every space
in between your
longing
and your
ache.
here,
feel.
this is how it feels
to finally breathe
again;
the sweet surrender
of your
burning lungs
sighing
slowly forgetting
and exhaling
the pain
away.
breathe.
here,
smell.
these are the scents
waiting to haunt
you;
they will become
the triggers
for every
murderous
memory.
sticking softly
where the
silhouette
once lay.
they will
haunt
you.
here,
listen.
this is the voice
that will change your
life
forever.
how can it
create such a
smile
and still have the
strength
to make tears
fall?
even a whisper
and you will
fall.
here,
look.
these are the images
you will never
lose.
the shadows
were painted
so perfectly
still.
you will memorize
every shape,
your fingertips
remember the
lines
the darkness
hid
from you.
-tkg-
|
Friday, May 21, 2004
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
What have I learned? Man, where to start. I learned that I am much stronger than I thought I was, an oddly, very oddly for me, much more mature than I previously believed. I learned that there are parts of me that have been sleeping for a very long time, silent and secret parts that have been aching to be awaken. I learned the fragility of life and the whispers breath that holds it balanced, I have learned the weight of that breath. I found out that I need to be touched more than I ever thought, that the importance of being shown my worth in physical gestures is unbelievably large, much larger than being told. I have learned what it feels like to not be able to stop smiling for reasons only you know; I found the places in me starting to wake up. I have learned these things, and countless others, and I have learned that it is a scary thing to let yourself learn...it is a very frightening thing to allow yourself to wake up, those silent aching parts asleep so long.
Life is funny, and probably always will be. For the past few years I've been scared to wake up, more comfortable staying in some haze, more comfortable just sleeping through a lot of emotions. As I mentioned, I somewhat allowed myself to 'wake up' in the past few months, weeks, and yes, especially the past week. By doing this, I knew going in that I would be risking a lot, that waking up meant juxtaposing 'real life' against the sheltered, although unhealthy existence that I'd been leading up to this point. Making that juxtaposition is terrifying, as the possibility of failure, the possibility of disappointment, the possibility of being hurt again becomes all the more real; the idea of your 'real life' becoming a nightmare can be much worse than simply living in an unhealthy dream. Nevertheless, I woke up.
Now, a few days later from when I actually started thinking about all of this, where am I? I woke up, yes, I put a lot of myself back on the line, yes, and did it work out, no. I learned yet another lesson this week, this one was a much tougher pill to swallow than the lessons I learned about myself, and to be honest with you, I am still trying to choke it down; I have learned that the fears I feel, this nagging fear that I will be alone, that I will be hurt or cheated on, left, or used, all of these fears are mine and inside me, and all the while they exist, other people have fears too. This pill I am struggling to swallow, is that I am not the only one that is afraid, and the fears of others can completely supersede my fears, completely override my willingness to face them, and terrifyingly enough, my willingness to wake up. Scared to wake up, choosing to stay asleep and live in the dream-like haze of the routine, and because of this, I too must move on. The pill keeps getting stuck in my throat.
What is it about people that makes us all so deathly afraid of what we know deep down is right? Why do we run faster when we have lost our way, why do we look for comfort in the faces of those that so often make us frown, while turning our eyes away from those who can do nothing but make us smile. Today I realized the other half, the juxtaposition and the foil for a lot of the lessons I have learned...I learned that in a blink the reasons, the beautiful reasons that gave me so many reasons to smile, the reasons only I knew about, can turn into the secret reasons that deflate me; stealing the excitement and life out from under me and leaving me back where I started. I learned that those secret and silent parts of me that have been aching to wake up, now ache to just fall back asleep and tell themselves it was all just a dream within a dream, that it never happened, and they never actually took a chance. I have learned, and this is a tough one, that I really do need to be touched more than I ever knew, that showing me how you feel about me means more to me than telling me ever could...but, along with that, comes the knowledge and the lesson that it is a much harder thing to be shown only for a moment and then having it hidden again. Would I rather have never been shown at all? I do not know. What I do know, is that I would rather feel your lack, than not feel you at all.
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