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Wednesday, May 14, 2003 Time caught me this week. Time snuck up behind me, and silently slapped me in the face. In two days I will complete the largest hurdle in my life thus far, School. Since I was 4-years-old school has been my reality, and now I sit here, nearly 18 years later, about to close the door to the single largest memory maker in my life to this point. I have never been a good student; I am an intelligent person, but I have never been a good student. I was voted “Class Clown” of my High School, and I was told I was the only student in my grade to even receive a nomination; a monopoly of the Clown. When I reminisce, my mind is filled with memories not of academics and learning, but with pranks and sporting events, girls and more girls, friendships and the slow drifting that divides me from so many I used to know. Where does time go when it hides itself away? Minutes like hours, days like years, it all eludes me now. I close my eyes and find myself confused when I open them again to this time and place. Four years ago feels like yesterday and I am bewildered as to how many years will pass that feel just like tomorrow. My college years passed me by in a blink and after graduation on Saturday I will have a bachelor’s degree. I am a man now. Inside me rests this desire that I can not fully explain, this desire to run away, see the world, feel life pulse through my veins. I long to breathe foreign air, smell an ocean my feet have never been in, and see the world through fresh eyes. Something is beating inside me, rhythmically reminding me that I am alive, but I have yet to really start living. I have chosen to not walk through the ceremony Saturday, partly due to the fact that I really have never liked school, EVER; another huge reason is the simple fact that I do not like the finality of the whole ceremony. I do not like the way that it separates my life into segments, a segment for elementary school, another for middle; a large segment for my High School days, finalized by a graduation ceremony, and now college. I do not want another “endpoint” in which I have to begin again as soon as it is completed and in the past. I would much rather transition from this stage of my life into the next, seamlessly incorporating all of the lessons I have learned that shape who I am today. For this, I am ready. I am one grain of sand, separated from the shore. I am shaken, swiftly leaving the beach sands; I am not ready to sink to the sea floor, I am not ready to settle. |
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