Tyler Knott Gregson - Tyler Knott Productions Brain Rain

Monday, January 12, 2004

I woke up today and found myself in a quagmire. If you're not really familiar with the word, it's probably a good thing, cause it's pretty archaic and to be honest I felt a little lame using it. At any rate, it was the only word to properly express how I felt when I lifted my head off my pillow, which by the way needs to be replaced with a brand new king-sized one from Costco.

As the title of this blog mentions, the quagmire I found myself in comes from interests in our lives, and the duality that hides silently inside them, whatever "them" may be. I went skiing on Saturday and because of this, I woke up split and separated, on both sides of the same coin because of one thing...Interest. I met someone on Saturday that caught my eye and caught my interest, and while this is a good thing it is at the very same time quagmire-ish. I realized today that every interest, be it a person, a place, a thing, or a feeling, come complete with a duality sleeping inside them. In case I have completely gone off track and confused anyone that does not speak "Tyler" I will try to explain. What I mean to say is, this same person that has sparked some form of interest in my life, who has made me take a step into the future and out of the past, and who essentially has become a "first" of sorts for me, also plays another role. She is the very same person that today made me open my eyes to this void; who made the emptiness in my life seem all the greater, all the more tangible. I learned today that you do not truly understand the depth of your lack, until it is juxtaposed against what it is you are lacking; until that juxtaposition is smiling back at you.

Pretend you've never eaten an orange before, never smelled the spray of citrus when you peeled it, never felt the thicker white skin in your throat, never tasted the juice...Because of this you would never miss them, you would never feel the lack. You take one bite, however, and if they are taken away again, you will forever miss them. I think we know this going into situations, and we know this as soon as an interest is felt, but yet we still proceed. A part of me knew that if even a sliver of an interest was felt on that ski hill, I would awake today I'd feel the lack of anyone in my life, not necessarily her, or anyone else in particular, just anyone in general. I knew this, but I did not run away, none of us do. I find the timing of this interest also leads to a great deal of duality. I've been single for nearly 4 years, but I got used to it, I adapted to that and eventually I forgot that it's called "lonely." Then that someone/something/someplace comes along and you spend time with her/him/it and it wakes you up, it revives sleeping parts of you that you had forgotten about and when they go again you realize it Was called "lonely," it still is, and always will be.

The strange thing is, we all know this ahead of time; we're pre-programmed with the inherent knowledge of the duality of all interests and infatuation yet do we run? Sometimes yes, mostly, no. What is it about us that chooses to take the bad with the good rather than leave the good until it is arriving stag to our party? I went skiing on Saturday and the interest reminded me of the emptiness. Perhaps this emptiness comes to act as motivation to pursue the interest, perhaps it is really telling us to run. I know that if everyone else is at all like me, they rarely run away.

eloquently said by

| 2:02 AM | | |


Monday, January 12, 2004 The Duality of Interest I woke up today and found myself in a quagmire. If you're not really familiar with the word, it's probably a good thing, cause it's pretty archaic and to be honest I felt a little lame using it. At any rate, it was the only word to properly express how I felt when I lifted my head off my pillow, which by the way needs to be replaced with a brand new king-sized one from Costco. As the title of this blog mentions, the quagmire I found myself in comes from interests in our lives, and the duality that hides silently inside them, whatever "them" may be. I went skiing on Saturday and because of this, I woke up split and separated, on both sides of the same coin because of one thing...Interest. I met someone on Saturday that caught my eye and caught my interest, and while this is a good thing it is at the very same time quagmire-ish. I realized today that every interest, be it a person, a place, a thing, or a feeling, come complete with a duality sleeping inside them. In case I have completely gone off track and confused anyone that does not speak "Tyler" I will try to explain. What I mean to say is, this same person that has sparked some form of interest in my life, who has made me take a step into the future and out of the past, and who essentially has become a "first" of sorts for me, also plays another role. She is the very same person that today made me open my eyes to this void; who made the emptiness in my life seem all the greater, all the more tangible. I learned today that you do not truly understand the depth of your lack, until it is juxtaposed against what it is you are lacking; until that juxtaposition is smiling back at you. Pretend you've never eaten an orange before, never smelled the spray of citrus when you peeled it, never felt the thicker white skin in your throat, never tasted the juice...Because of this you would never miss them, you would never feel the lack. You take one bite, however, and if they are taken away again, you will forever miss them. I think we know this going into situations, and we know this as soon as an interest is felt, but yet we still proceed. A part of me knew that if even a sliver of an interest was felt on that ski hill, I would awake today I'd feel the lack of anyone in my life, not necessarily her, or anyone else in particular, just anyone in general. I knew this, but I did not run away, none of us do. I find the timing of this interest also leads to a great deal of duality. I've been single for nearly 4 years, but I got used to it, I adapted to that and eventually I forgot that it's called "lonely." Then that someone/something/someplace comes along and you spend time with her/him/it and it wakes you up, it revives sleeping parts of you that you had forgotten about and when they go again you realize it Was called "lonely," it still is, and always will be. The strange thing is, we all know this ahead of time; we're pre-programmed with the inherent knowledge of the duality of all interests and infatuation yet do we run? Sometimes yes, mostly, no. What is it about us that chooses to take the bad with the good rather than leave the good until it is arriving stag to our party? I went skiing on Saturday and the interest reminded me of the emptiness. Perhaps this emptiness comes to act as motivation to pursue the interest, perhaps it is really telling us to run. I know that if everyone else is at all like me, they rarely run away. eloquently said by \| 2:02 AM \| \| \|	Tyler Knott Productions Tyler Knott Photography Vimeo Tumblr Twitter Clutch Del.icio.us MySpace Last.fm LinkedIn Resumé Atom Feed Twitters follow me on Twitter Horizon Expanders McGraw Donovan Dave Morin Flickr Blog Jaymie Keller Kevin Casey Nate Warner Rachel Hoffenberg Sarah Joelle Sarah Joelle's Music My Photography Past Downpours Copyright This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.