Tyler Knott Gregson - Tyler Knott Productions Brain Rain

Friday, January 30, 2004

I do not know exactly when it happened, or exactly why it happened, but it seems to me I have lost my appeal to women. I realize that this statement can possibly come across with a mild after-taste of arrogance, in that in order to lose the appeal, one would have to have it in the first place; I assure you, arrogance is the last of my afflictions. I suppose it is debatable as to whether or not I ever truly Did have an appeal to women, but I am fairly sure I did. There was a time in which girls were attracted, a time in which I went on dates, networked, and kept female company...Where did it go? I do not know if it is the fact that I do not enjoy going out that gets me, the fact that I do not drink that holds me back, or is it perhaps personality or physique related? Clearly I am not the best looking fella around, but I'll lay a healthy bet down on the fact that I am not the Worst looking guy either. People say "Just do not worry about it," "It will happen when you least expect it," yada yada yada. Well I haven't been expecting anything forever, yet nothing has happened. When does this "least expecting it" time begin, and the real world end? I do not know.

All I can think of, is that I've lost my appeal. Either something about myself turns women away, OR, there is not something there to draw the women in. Whichever it is, I have no clue when it happened. In a way it is kind of funny, is appeal something that can be bought, worn, taught or learned? I do not think so, but even if it was, I do not think I'd buy, wear, teach, and God knows Learn it. Maybe I will find the appeal crumpled up in a corner of my room, maybe it is laying under the bed right now; I should go look. I'm sure it is around here somewhere, next to my old car keys, and the missing socks that complete so many pairs in my drawer. Who knows where it went, not me. Maybe ya'll can help me out, if you've seen it, make sure to email me and let me know. I'll reward whoever finds it with something cool, maybe the old car keys that will be hiding with it.

eloquently said by

| 5:49 PM | | |

Thursday, January 29, 2004

New Heading

I worked on, and posted a new header for my humble blog abode. Look upward, and tell me what you think of the change. The picture is of Manu Bay, in Raglan, New Zealand. I'd appreciate comments or suggestions, so feel free.

eloquently said by

| 3:15 PM | | |

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I am Displaced

I am displaced, I am a lost soul in a lost generation, born 20 years too late. I belong in an era long since passed, a time I never got to see, but strangely enough miss as if I had. I watched "Almost Famous" again last night while I was waiting to fall asleep and it really hit me hard. I belong in that movie, I can hear my fingers sliding on guitar strings, smell the dusty tour bus, feel the slowness of life. In essence, I think what I "miss" most about this time I never lived in, is the pace. I do not feel at home in 2004, I do not feel comfortable with the speed in which my world turns. The earth spins beneath us, but we do not feel it; the earth spins beneath me, and I am dizzy.

Pace. The rate of speed in which a movement passes. My pace is not the same of the world today, I am getting lapped by time, laughed at like the slow kid on the track, tripping over my untied shoe. I do not know what it is about the movie that stirred something in me, I have never known, but the closest I can come to understanding it is in the music of the film. The music then, in short, mattered. Lyrics told stories, guitars wept, and singers sang, truly sang. With every note, every lyric, every chord, you could feel the song; life's scars were painted with words that bled with emotion. With rare exceptions, I do not feel that today. I do not understand rap, I do not understand heavy metal, and I completely do not understand Pop; when did originality die? When did our nation give birth to such apathy for such a vital element of our culture? When did rock and roll stop being a lifestyle, when did it melt into a pre-fabricated, lip-synced, screaming mess? Where have the fans gone? The fans that know what it is to be a fan, to "truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts." I do not know, but I think if I were born 20 years ago, I would.

I am displaced, I am a lost soul in this lost generation, and I wish I could find my place, find my pace. Around me the world is rushing, but I can not move my feet. I do not know where I am going, and I do not know where I will end up. I wonder if anyone else out there feels like they can not catch up to the times that they live in, feels like they belong back in a time of hippies and gypsies, Led Zeppelin and Stillwater, long boards and t-shirts that were cool because they were, not because they were "vintage." Maybe it is because I have not found my Penny Lane yet, but I doubt it; I know one thing though, she'll feel the same way I do. Watching the movie also made me realize, that I want to be a writer. I do not know if it is screenplays, novels, articles in magazines, or newspaper columns, I need to be writing, but I know it is one of them. Writing is the only thing I can picture myself doing for the rest of my life as a job, and that fact both comforts and scares me. Whether or not I will get paid or make a decent living writing is still undecided and the odds are against me, but I have to try.

Perhaps someday I will catch up to time, perhaps I will begin to understand the music that permeates our culture, perhaps I will stop feeling the earth spin beneath my feet. The thing is, I really do not think I want to.

eloquently said by

| 12:07 AM | | |

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Things I Just Do Not Get

Unemployment in Helena, Montana coupled with a near total lack of anyone to hang out with has lead me to think about a lot of strange things. Whether being in the post office, Safeway, or just sitting around my house, I began to find a whole lot of things that I just do not understand about the world. I guess I've had more time than usual to look into things lately, and the more things I look into, the more confused I get. Let me expound...

First off, I do not understand why Mountain Time Zone is completely ignored nation-wide. I was talking about this with my pseudo-sister, Peggy, on the phone just the other night and we both did not understand why our time zone goes unnoticed...Excuse me Nation, there is indeed a time zone between Central and Pacific, we do exist. Have you ever noticed when a TV show is advertised, a movie is coming on, a sporting event occurring it's always either in Eastern, Central, or Pacific time, never, I repeat, never, in Mountain time. We are the forgotten zone, the misfits between the Pacific Ocean and the cornfields of Iowa. Another thing I realized I do not understand came up when I was in the Post Office mailing a few things. Do the employees of the Post Office purposely ONLY put out ball point pens on the mailing counters, just to get a laugh when poor morons like me are trying to write on the bubble wrap envelopes? I can not count the amount of times I poke through the stupid thing while I'm crossing my "t's" or ending a letter, is it that hard to just put out a marker or something? I may as well be trying to write on a strangers back or engrave the address with a knife.

I also do not understand why people have trouble when saying a phone number, calling the number 0, zero, not O, like the letter. It confuses me more when people mix it up like, "43Oh, 3zero4Oh." It's a number folks, not a letter, give it the respect it deserves. I've mentioned it before, but I still do not understand the need for a laugh track on TV shows. I think we've advanced to the point as a society in which we do not need to be told when to laugh, when to Oooooh, or when to Aahhhhh, let me do it on my own please. I completely do not understand the whole Howard Dean Scream at the Iowa Caucuses...what in God's Holy Name did he have to smoke to actually think that his insane rant would go unnoticed? Hey Howie, you're running for President, not auditioning for a managerial position at Chuck E. Cheese's, act appropriately. I'm beyond not understanding the concept of white people talking in "izzle's" and "iznits." You are white, you have never been in a gang fight, and never rapped a word in all of your days, get together with Howard Dean and learn how to act appropriate.

I do not understand the music that dominates our culture today. With very few exceptions I can not stand 99% of the new artists that are screamed about by pimple faced teens in little boxes on TRL. When did music get so awful, when did singers forget how to sing, and for God's sakes, someone lock Britney Spears away, please. On that topic, when did Marriage become a good publicity stunt? Britney weds to promote her album, Ben and J. Lo get engaged suspiciously close to their movies coming out. What used to be a 'blessed union' has become a really odd way to make some headlines.

All in all, there are plenty of things that just do not make sense to me, and I do not know if it is my fault, or the world around me, but nevertheless, I sit perplexed. I am sure I will blog more later about things that just do not make rational sense, we'll see.

eloquently said by

| 6:00 PM | | |

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Forger

Ok, I'm addicted to that Picasso thing. Tonight I got the idea to try forging an Actual Picasso using only the silly little pre-defined shapes. The two I tried to do tonight, were "Femme" as a warmup, and then the amazing "Dove of Peace" as the true test of my forging abilities using only a mouse, and the "eyebrow" category of the Picasso toy. Please click the titles of each aforementioned painting to compare his work, to mine. Here they are...

eloquently said by

| 11:56 PM | | |

Picasso-ish

I went to this site the other day called "Mr. Picasso Head" and essentially it lets you use a variety of pre-made shapes and features, and get creative and create your own Picasso type paintings of faces and such. At any rate, here are my three favorite's that I did, in order of appearance: "Quiet the Voices," "Opposites Inside," and "Blinking Growth".

eloquently said by

| 5:15 PM | | |

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The Opposites Inside Me

I thought a lot today. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, sat still, and let any and everything pour through my brain. What I began to slowly realize while filtering through the thoughts that cluttered my head was that I am truly a man of opposites. I am not entirely sure how this came about, when the shift began, or if I was even conscious of the choices I made that lead to this state of an almost antonymic existence. I suppose I've always walked somewhat of a different path, marched to the beat of a different drummer (that is the lamest analogy by the way), and done my own thing but it was not until speaking with a few friends that I realized that there are a great deal of minor discrepancies between myself and the rest of the population, but deeper than all of that, there is one inherent difference that composes who I am, the question is, where did it come from?

The day we placed the silly tassel to the other side of the cap, the day those same caps littered the sky like falling stars, the day we walked across that high school field one last time, everything changed. From then on, and in truth even before that day, we were bombarded and assaulted with questions...Where will you go, what will you do, what do you want out of life, what's in your future, what do you want to be? Rarely, if ever, was the question asked to me, Who Are You? I do not know if it was the absence of that question, or the absence of an answer to all of the others, but from that day forward, I wanted to answer only one, Who was I? It is not arrogance, and it is not ignorance, but I feel the vast majority of people try very hard to answer the first questions, assuming the answers will eventually create a new answer for the latter. As I sit here typing this, I can think of so many people who know what it is they want out of life, where they want to end up, who they want to end up with, and what they Will be; as I look at myself, I realize I have no idea what I want out of life, I have no idea where I will end up, nor with who, nor what I will be, but I do know who I am.

The question I am left with, is which is better, or are they equal? Does the knowledge of who you truly are carry more weight than the knowledge of what you want to do? When will people who know what they "want to be" turn into that person? Will the person I am change, when I find out what I want? I do not know, but I do not think so. The person I am is strange, and the opposites inside me are confusing, I do not know when I strayed from so many of my peers, so many of my friends. I've never drank a beer, but I am intoxicated by music, by surfing, by writing. I believe in God but not the Church; I pray to God and meditate to Buddha; I cry, more than a lot of men I would wager; I laugh, also more than a lot of men; I am open and honest and I refuse to play games; I am not in the very least bit scared of dying, but I am not afraid to live. I know I will never work an 8-5 job, I know I will always hate wearing a tux.

I do not know how they got here, but the opposites inside me truly perplex me.

eloquently said by

| 12:56 AM | | |

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Efecto De la Mariposa

Las cosas en mi vida necesito mas
pierdo el mas rapido.
La gente que toca mi vida mas
empujo lejos primero.

Cuando lo cambie
en el catalizador del destino?
Cuando me olvide
como ser necesitado
por esos necesito?

Soy el ala quebrada
de una mariposa quebrada
aleteo solamente.
Mi lucha revuelve el polvo
que cambia vida por siempre.

Soy el efecto de la mariposa,
el fuego de todas mis acciones
me quemara manana.
Soy el efecto de la mariposa,
la gente de ayer
estan corriendo de mi hoy.

Soy el ala quebrada
de una mariposa quebrada
aleteo solamente.

-tkg-

If you would like the translation of this poem, please just email me and ask, because I could not find a translation service online that did a very good job. At any rate, enjoy.

eloquently said by

| 8:46 PM | | |

Monday, January 12, 2004

The Duality of Interest

I woke up today and found myself in a quagmire. If you're not really familiar with the word, it's probably a good thing, cause it's pretty archaic and to be honest I felt a little lame using it. At any rate, it was the only word to properly express how I felt when I lifted my head off my pillow, which by the way needs to be replaced with a brand new king-sized one from Costco.

As the title of this blog mentions, the quagmire I found myself in comes from interests in our lives, and the duality that hides silently inside them, whatever "them" may be. I went skiing on Saturday and because of this, I woke up split and separated, on both sides of the same coin because of one thing...Interest. I met someone on Saturday that caught my eye and caught my interest, and while this is a good thing it is at the very same time quagmire-ish. I realized today that every interest, be it a person, a place, a thing, or a feeling, come complete with a duality sleeping inside them. In case I have completely gone off track and confused anyone that does not speak "Tyler" I will try to explain. What I mean to say is, this same person that has sparked some form of interest in my life, who has made me take a step into the future and out of the past, and who essentially has become a "first" of sorts for me, also plays another role. She is the very same person that today made me open my eyes to this void; who made the emptiness in my life seem all the greater, all the more tangible. I learned today that you do not truly understand the depth of your lack, until it is juxtaposed against what it is you are lacking; until that juxtaposition is smiling back at you.

Pretend you've never eaten an orange before, never smelled the spray of citrus when you peeled it, never felt the thicker white skin in your throat, never tasted the juice...Because of this you would never miss them, you would never feel the lack. You take one bite, however, and if they are taken away again, you will forever miss them. I think we know this going into situations, and we know this as soon as an interest is felt, but yet we still proceed. A part of me knew that if even a sliver of an interest was felt on that ski hill, I would awake today I'd feel the lack of anyone in my life, not necessarily her, or anyone else in particular, just anyone in general. I knew this, but I did not run away, none of us do. I find the timing of this interest also leads to a great deal of duality. I've been single for nearly 4 years, but I got used to it, I adapted to that and eventually I forgot that it's called "lonely." Then that someone/something/someplace comes along and you spend time with her/him/it and it wakes you up, it revives sleeping parts of you that you had forgotten about and when they go again you realize it Was called "lonely," it still is, and always will be.

The strange thing is, we all know this ahead of time; we're pre-programmed with the inherent knowledge of the duality of all interests and infatuation yet do we run? Sometimes yes, mostly, no. What is it about us that chooses to take the bad with the good rather than leave the good until it is arriving stag to our party? I went skiing on Saturday and the interest reminded me of the emptiness. Perhaps this emptiness comes to act as motivation to pursue the interest, perhaps it is really telling us to run. I know that if everyone else is at all like me, they rarely run away.

eloquently said by

| 2:02 AM | | |

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Honest Horoscope

Hey all...is this me?

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation.
Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful.
Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and
easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and
mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving.
Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges
people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves
to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be
quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not
aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

Let me know what you agree with, what you do not. Go here to find out about yourself.

eloquently said by

| 8:23 PM | | |


Friday, January 30, 2004 Lost: Man's Sex Appeal I do not know exactly when it happened, or exactly why it happened, but it seems to me I have lost my appeal to women. I realize that this statement can possibly come across with a mild after-taste of arrogance, in that in order to lose the appeal, one would have to have it in the first place; I assure you, arrogance is the last of my afflictions. I suppose it is debatable as to whether or not I ever truly Did have an appeal to women, but I am fairly sure I did. There was a time in which girls were attracted, a time in which I went on dates, networked, and kept female company...Where did it go? I do not know if it is the fact that I do not enjoy going out that gets me, the fact that I do not drink that holds me back, or is it perhaps personality or physique related? Clearly I am not the best looking fella around, but I'll lay a healthy bet down on the fact that I am not the Worst looking guy either. People say "Just do not worry about it," "It will happen when you least expect it," yada yada yada. Well I haven't been expecting anything forever, yet nothing has happened. When does this "least expecting it" time begin, and the real world end? I do not know. All I can think of, is that I've lost my appeal. Either something about myself turns women away, OR, there is not something there to draw the women in. Whichever it is, I have no clue when it happened. In a way it is kind of funny, is appeal something that can be bought, worn, taught or learned? I do not think so, but even if it was, I do not think I'd buy, wear, teach, and God knows Learn it. Maybe I will find the appeal crumpled up in a corner of my room, maybe it is laying under the bed right now; I should go look. I'm sure it is around here somewhere, next to my old car keys, and the missing socks that complete so many pairs in my drawer. Who knows where it went, not me. Maybe ya'll can help me out, if you've seen it, make sure to email me and let me know. I'll reward whoever finds it with something cool, maybe the old car keys that will be hiding with it. eloquently said by \| 5:49 PM \| \| \| Thursday, January 29, 2004 New Heading I worked on, and posted a new header for my humble blog abode. Look upward, and tell me what you think of the change. The picture is of Manu Bay, in Raglan, New Zealand. I'd appreciate comments or suggestions, so feel free. eloquently said by \| 3:15 PM \| \| \| Tuesday, January 27, 2004 I am Displaced I am displaced, I am a lost soul in a lost generation, born 20 years too late. I belong in an era long since passed, a time I never got to see, but strangely enough miss as if I had. I watched "Almost Famous" again last night while I was waiting to fall asleep and it really hit me hard. I belong in that movie, I can hear my fingers sliding on guitar strings, smell the dusty tour bus, feel the slowness of life. In essence, I think what I "miss" most about this time I never lived in, is the pace. I do not feel at home in 2004, I do not feel comfortable with the speed in which my world turns. The earth spins beneath us, but we do not feel it; the earth spins beneath me, and I am dizzy. Pace. The rate of speed in which a movement passes. My pace is not the same of the world today, I am getting lapped by time, laughed at like the slow kid on the track, tripping over my untied shoe. I do not know what it is about the movie that stirred something in me, I have never known, but the closest I can come to understanding it is in the music of the film. The music then, in short, mattered. Lyrics told stories, guitars wept, and singers sang, truly sang. With every note, every lyric, every chord, you could feel the song; life's scars were painted with words that bled with emotion. With rare exceptions, I do not feel that today. I do not understand rap, I do not understand heavy metal, and I completely do not understand Pop; when did originality die? When did our nation give birth to such apathy for such a vital element of our culture? When did rock and roll stop being a lifestyle, when did it melt into a pre-fabricated, lip-synced, screaming mess? Where have the fans gone? The fans that know what it is to be a fan, to "truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts." I do not know, but I think if I were born 20 years ago, I would. I am displaced, I am a lost soul in this lost generation, and I wish I could find my place, find my pace. Around me the world is rushing, but I can not move my feet. I do not know where I am going, and I do not know where I will end up. I wonder if anyone else out there feels like they can not catch up to the times that they live in, feels like they belong back in a time of hippies and gypsies, Led Zeppelin and Stillwater, long boards and t-shirts that were cool because they were, not because they were "vintage." Maybe it is because I have not found my Penny Lane yet, but I doubt it; I know one thing though, she'll feel the same way I do. Watching the movie also made me realize, that I want to be a writer. I do not know if it is screenplays, novels, articles in magazines, or newspaper columns, I need to be writing, but I know it is one of them. Writing is the only thing I can picture myself doing for the rest of my life as a job, and that fact both comforts and scares me. Whether or not I will get paid or make a decent living writing is still undecided and the odds are against me, but I have to try. Perhaps someday I will catch up to time, perhaps I will begin to understand the music that permeates our culture, perhaps I will stop feeling the earth spin beneath my feet. The thing is, I really do not think I want to. eloquently said by \| 12:07 AM \| \| \| Saturday, January 24, 2004 Things I Just Do Not Get Unemployment in Helena, Montana coupled with a near total lack of anyone to hang out with has lead me to think about a lot of strange things. Whether being in the post office, Safeway, or just sitting around my house, I began to find a whole lot of things that I just do not understand about the world. I guess I've had more time than usual to look into things lately, and the more things I look into, the more confused I get. Let me expound... First off, I do not understand why Mountain Time Zone is completely ignored nation-wide. I was talking about this with my pseudo-sister, Peggy, on the phone just the other night and we both did not understand why our time zone goes unnoticed...Excuse me Nation, there is indeed a time zone between Central and Pacific, we do exist. Have you ever noticed when a TV show is advertised, a movie is coming on, a sporting event occurring it's always either in Eastern, Central, or Pacific time, never, I repeat, never, in Mountain time. We are the forgotten zone, the misfits between the Pacific Ocean and the cornfields of Iowa. Another thing I realized I do not understand came up when I was in the Post Office mailing a few things. Do the employees of the Post Office purposely ONLY put out ball point pens on the mailing counters, just to get a laugh when poor morons like me are trying to write on the bubble wrap envelopes? I can not count the amount of times I poke through the stupid thing while I'm crossing my "t's" or ending a letter, is it that hard to just put out a marker or something? I may as well be trying to write on a strangers back or engrave the address with a knife. I also do not understand why people have trouble when saying a phone number, calling the number 0, zero, not O, like the letter. It confuses me more when people mix it up like, "43Oh, 3zero4Oh." It's a number folks, not a letter, give it the respect it deserves. I've mentioned it before, but I still do not understand the need for a laugh track on TV shows. I think we've advanced to the point as a society in which we do not need to be told when to laugh, when to Oooooh, or when to Aahhhhh, let me do it on my own please. I completely do not understand the whole Howard Dean Scream at the Iowa Caucuses...what in God's Holy Name did he have to smoke to actually think that his insane rant would go unnoticed? Hey Howie, you're running for President, not auditioning for a managerial position at Chuck E. Cheese's, act appropriately. I'm beyond not understanding the concept of white people talking in "izzle's" and "iznits." You are white, you have never been in a gang fight, and never rapped a word in all of your days, get together with Howard Dean and learn how to act appropriate. I do not understand the music that dominates our culture today. With very few exceptions I can not stand 99% of the new artists that are screamed about by pimple faced teens in little boxes on TRL. When did music get so awful, when did singers forget how to sing, and for God's sakes, someone lock Britney Spears away, please. On that topic, when did Marriage become a good publicity stunt? Britney weds to promote her album, Ben and J. Lo get engaged suspiciously close to their movies coming out. What used to be a 'blessed union' has become a really odd way to make some headlines. All in all, there are plenty of things that just do not make sense to me, and I do not know if it is my fault, or the world around me, but nevertheless, I sit perplexed. I am sure I will blog more later about things that just do not make rational sense, we'll see. eloquently said by \| 6:00 PM \| \| \| Wednesday, January 21, 2004 Forger Ok, I'm addicted to that Picasso thing. Tonight I got the idea to try forging an Actual Picasso using only the silly little pre-defined shapes. The two I tried to do tonight, were "Femme" as a warmup, and then the amazing "Dove of Peace" as the true test of my forging abilities using only a mouse, and the "eyebrow" category of the Picasso toy. Please click the titles of each aforementioned painting to compare his work, to mine. Here they are... eloquently said by \| 11:56 PM \| \| \| Picasso-ish I went to this site the other day called "Mr. Picasso Head" and essentially it lets you use a variety of pre-made shapes and features, and get creative and create your own Picasso type paintings of faces and such. At any rate, here are my three favorite's that I did, in order of appearance: "Quiet the Voices," "Opposites Inside," and "Blinking Growth". eloquently said by \| 5:15 PM \| \| \| Tuesday, January 20, 2004 The Opposites Inside Me I thought a lot today. I closed my eyes for a few minutes, sat still, and let any and everything pour through my brain. What I began to slowly realize while filtering through the thoughts that cluttered my head was that I am truly a man of opposites. I am not entirely sure how this came about, when the shift began, or if I was even conscious of the choices I made that lead to this state of an almost antonymic existence. I suppose I've always walked somewhat of a different path, marched to the beat of a different drummer (that is the lamest analogy by the way), and done my own thing but it was not until speaking with a few friends that I realized that there are a great deal of minor discrepancies between myself and the rest of the population, but deeper than all of that, there is one inherent difference that composes who I am, the question is, where did it come from? The day we placed the silly tassel to the other side of the cap, the day those same caps littered the sky like falling stars, the day we walked across that high school field one last time, everything changed. From then on, and in truth even before that day, we were bombarded and assaulted with questions...Where will you go, what will you do, what do you want out of life, what's in your future, what do you want to be? Rarely, if ever, was the question asked to me, Who Are You? I do not know if it was the absence of that question, or the absence of an answer to all of the others, but from that day forward, I wanted to answer only one, Who was I? It is not arrogance, and it is not ignorance, but I feel the vast majority of people try very hard to answer the first questions, assuming the answers will eventually create a new answer for the latter. As I sit here typing this, I can think of so many people who know what it is they want out of life, where they want to end up, who they want to end up with, and what they Will be; as I look at myself, I realize I have no idea what I want out of life, I have no idea where I will end up, nor with who, nor what I will be, but I do know who I am. The question I am left with, is which is better, or are they equal? Does the knowledge of who you truly are carry more weight than the knowledge of what you want to do? When will people who know what they "want to be" turn into that person? Will the person I am change, when I find out what I want? I do not know, but I do not think so. The person I am is strange, and the opposites inside me are confusing, I do not know when I strayed from so many of my peers, so many of my friends. I've never drank a beer, but I am intoxicated by music, by surfing, by writing. I believe in God but not the Church; I pray to God and meditate to Buddha; I cry, more than a lot of men I would wager; I laugh, also more than a lot of men; I am open and honest and I refuse to play games; I am not in the very least bit scared of dying, but I am not afraid to live. I know I will never work an 8-5 job, I know I will always hate wearing a tux. I do not know how they got here, but the opposites inside me truly perplex me. eloquently said by \| 12:56 AM \| \| \| Wednesday, January 14, 2004 Efecto De la Mariposa Las cosas en mi vida necesito mas pierdo el mas rapido. La gente que toca mi vida mas empujo lejos primero. Cuando lo cambie en el catalizador del destino? Cuando me olvide como ser necesitado por esos necesito? Soy el ala quebrada de una mariposa quebrada aleteo solamente. Mi lucha revuelve el polvo que cambia vida por siempre. Soy el efecto de la mariposa, el fuego de todas mis acciones me quemara manana. Soy el efecto de la mariposa, la gente de ayer estan corriendo de mi hoy. Soy el ala quebrada de una mariposa quebrada aleteo solamente. -tkg- If you would like the translation of this poem, please just email me and ask, because I could not find a translation service online that did a very good job. At any rate, enjoy. eloquently said by \| 8:46 PM \| \| \| Monday, January 12, 2004 The Duality of Interest I woke up today and found myself in a quagmire. If you're not really familiar with the word, it's probably a good thing, cause it's pretty archaic and to be honest I felt a little lame using it. At any rate, it was the only word to properly express how I felt when I lifted my head off my pillow, which by the way needs to be replaced with a brand new king-sized one from Costco. As the title of this blog mentions, the quagmire I found myself in comes from interests in our lives, and the duality that hides silently inside them, whatever "them" may be. I went skiing on Saturday and because of this, I woke up split and separated, on both sides of the same coin because of one thing...Interest. I met someone on Saturday that caught my eye and caught my interest, and while this is a good thing it is at the very same time quagmire-ish. I realized today that every interest, be it a person, a place, a thing, or a feeling, come complete with a duality sleeping inside them. In case I have completely gone off track and confused anyone that does not speak "Tyler" I will try to explain. What I mean to say is, this same person that has sparked some form of interest in my life, who has made me take a step into the future and out of the past, and who essentially has become a "first" of sorts for me, also plays another role. She is the very same person that today made me open my eyes to this void; who made the emptiness in my life seem all the greater, all the more tangible. I learned today that you do not truly understand the depth of your lack, until it is juxtaposed against what it is you are lacking; until that juxtaposition is smiling back at you. Pretend you've never eaten an orange before, never smelled the spray of citrus when you peeled it, never felt the thicker white skin in your throat, never tasted the juice...Because of this you would never miss them, you would never feel the lack. You take one bite, however, and if they are taken away again, you will forever miss them. I think we know this going into situations, and we know this as soon as an interest is felt, but yet we still proceed. A part of me knew that if even a sliver of an interest was felt on that ski hill, I would awake today I'd feel the lack of anyone in my life, not necessarily her, or anyone else in particular, just anyone in general. I knew this, but I did not run away, none of us do. I find the timing of this interest also leads to a great deal of duality. I've been single for nearly 4 years, but I got used to it, I adapted to that and eventually I forgot that it's called "lonely." Then that someone/something/someplace comes along and you spend time with her/him/it and it wakes you up, it revives sleeping parts of you that you had forgotten about and when they go again you realize it Was called "lonely," it still is, and always will be. The strange thing is, we all know this ahead of time; we're pre-programmed with the inherent knowledge of the duality of all interests and infatuation yet do we run? Sometimes yes, mostly, no. What is it about us that chooses to take the bad with the good rather than leave the good until it is arriving stag to our party? I went skiing on Saturday and the interest reminded me of the emptiness. Perhaps this emptiness comes to act as motivation to pursue the interest, perhaps it is really telling us to run. I know that if everyone else is at all like me, they rarely run away. eloquently said by \| 2:02 AM \| \| \| Sunday, January 04, 2004 Honest Horoscope Hey all...is this me? JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. Let me know what you agree with, what you do not. Go here to find out about yourself. eloquently said by \| 8:23 PM \| \| \|	Tyler Knott Productions Tyler Knott Photography Vimeo Tumblr Twitter Clutch Del.icio.us MySpace Last.fm LinkedIn Resumé Atom Feed Twitters follow me on Twitter Horizon Expanders McGraw Donovan Dave Morin Flickr Blog Jaymie Keller Kevin Casey Nate Warner Rachel Hoffenberg Sarah Joelle Sarah Joelle's Music My Photography Past Downpours Copyright This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.