This life is fleeting; the moments of the hours, the hours of the days pass us in a whisper's breath and then we return to dust. I am trapped inside this hour of this day, swimming in my own discontent.
Questions have presented themselves to me, but the answers still remain hidden. I am home but I am waiting, ready to take the next step but I can not find my feet. I can hear time passing me, I can almost feel the minutes flying past, leaving nothing but the wind of its travel to touch my face. Ready but waiting? Waiting for what? I do not know where to go, I do not know what to do, but for some reason not knowing is not scaring me. In my mind the step has been taken and in my dreams I'm already there, but when I open my eyes I am stuck in transition. This is the hour of my discontent. People from the past rush around me, some leave, some stay, and still more questions remain. Was I loved? Was I a bump in some road they've always been traveling? Was I time well spent? Time well spent; spent? Am I spent, paid for and used, am I the damaged product that can not be returned? I do not know, but my lack of knowledge stirs the discontent, boiling it to the surface and reminding me again I am swimming inside it.
I sit alone and look at pictures I have taken over the years and all I feel is an intense disconnectedness. The places I've been, the people I've met, and the things I've seen all swirl together and melt into who I am today, but when I try to think back on them they feel like an episode of some TV show I used to watch, scattered images of a scattered life. Does this happen to everyone that has left and come back only to wait to leave again? Does this feeling that it all never happened, but was a really good dream course through the veins of all travelers? I have become those scattered images, I live the scattered life, and I am pieces of a puzzle that paint a picture I've never seen. The places I've been tell me nothing of the places I'll go; the things I've done haven't yet caught up to effect what I'm doing, or even what I'll do. When will karma smack me in the face and point me in the right direction; I've earned it.
All in all, I am not content with where I am, and I am not content with the world I live in. Why are we wasting time and energy deciding whether or not people of the same sex can marry? Who are we to regulate love or the expression of it; when did our society decide that the lives of others can be altered with a preconceived notion, with a foregone conclusion? Why are we so afraid to accept people as they are; where does this fear come from that leaked into our country, our world? I realize that total acceptance is a goal that will never be realized, and that there will always be rifts between people for whatever reason, but for goodness sakes, when will tolerance become a reality and not a cause that has to be picketed or demonstrated. Free Will...when did the "religious" of our country forget that no matter what the Bible says, we all have free will, it is what makes us human, the ability to decide our own fate, and to walk our own path. Believe what you will, but the Bible was written by man; divinely inspired I agree, but written by the hands of men, scrutinized and debated, and finally collected into an amazing work. Believe what you will, but the Bible was written during a much different time, by people living in a very different world; why today, do people in this country try to control the love felt by two people and their ability to express it, with words written in ink long since faded, on pages long since torn.
Perhaps it is hard for me to know exactly where I fit in, because in reality I do not even know where anyone fits in anymore. Where do we all go today, our society has come so far, but things pop up to remind me every day that we've so much further to come. I do not know where I fit in because I do not know if I even want to. It is a scary thought to be completely void of an understanding as to what it is you offer this world, what you contribute, and what piece of this strange puzzle you are. I have yet to take the first step into my new life, but I am more than ready to, funding is my only lack. Funding, leads me to bringing up something I need feedback on, so please take a few minutes and help me do some market research. The question is this: If I were to publish a book, a real book that you can hold in your hand to read, dog ear the pages, and set in your bathroom, of all of my poetry, do you think it would sell? I know my close friends and family would buy a copy out of obligation, or perhaps true interest, but the question I am asking is if it has any commercial marketability. If I were to do this, my book would be available online at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble and a slew of others, and after awhile, if it sold, would be available in retail stores. I just need to know ya'lls opinion, Would It Sell? Please Comment, or email me and let me know your opinion. Thank you.
Just to let everyone know, today is the grand opening of the Brain Rain Store that sells everything from T-Shirts, to Coffee Mugs, to Wall Clocks and everything in between, well, almost. Anyways, click the link in this post, or over in the "Horizon Expander" Bar from now on, and feel free to make some purchases, all proceeds to go my attempt to move to Costa Rica. Any questions, do not hesitate to email me and I will get back to you ASAP. Make sure when you click an item you like to click all the different product views, to get a full glimpse into my product creating genius.
I am the longing. I am the unscratched surface of my potential. I am the first step waiting to be taken. I am the smirk that won't wipe off my face. I am the unquenched thirst. I am the desire. I am the patience that is wearing thin. I am the end of the rope. I am the love unspoken for. I am the fear, but I am the courage. I am the uncharted waters. I am the waiting, the waiting, the waiting. I am the glass half full. I am the unspoken understanding. I am the butterfly effect. I am the arms raised in victory, I am the hands holding my head in defeat. I am the moment of clarity. I am the double take. I am the words I scribble. I am the lips unkissed, my hands not held. I am the lyrics. I am the melody. I am the honesty, I am the loyalty. I am the wonder, the beautiful wonder. I am the late night talk. I am the sour and I am the sweet. I am the last blink before sleep. I am the first breath of the morning. I am the goosebumps, I am the sweat. I am the most romantic thing I've yet to do. I am the thoughts uncontrollable. I am the raised eyebrow. I am the teardrop tracing the contours of my face. I am the laughter, the uncensored laughter. I am the mistakes I've made, and the lessons I've learned. I am the success. I am the failure. I am the ambition, I am the apathy. I am the opposites inside me. I am the trembling anticipation. I am the love I take. I am the compassion. I am the underestimation I receive. I am the focus I always lose. I am the memories. I am the stolen breath and the skipped heartbeat. I am the worry. I am the calm. I am the smile. I am the freedom, I am the dependence. I am the broken heart. I am the misplaced trust. I am the confidence, but I am the insecurity. I am the faith. I am the logical next step. I am the places I've seen. I am the perfect guy for someone out there. I am the first hello with whoever she will be. I am the first kiss. I am the first fight. I am the shared dreams. I am the beating of my heart. I am the infinite space between today and tomorrow. I am the last straw. I am the confusion. I am the incompatibility. I am the comfortable silence. I am the wink. I am the thought in the back of my mind. I am the first star I wish on. I am the aching. I am the poetry I write. I am the uncertainty of who it is for. I am the relief, the sweet relief. I am the shadows across my face. I am the peace. I am the lack. I am the happiness I am surrounded by. I am the man I'm becoming. I am the boy I used to be. I am the whole, but I am the pieces. I am the pieces.
I have been playing guitar a lot more recently, and today I decided to write lyrics of how I've felt lately. I will work on the acoustic guitar to accompany this, but for now when you read it, just try to imagine slow acoustic guitar, and a raspy voice singing it. Soon enough, that guitar, and that voice, will be mine, and maybe I'll post the song on here for people to listen to. For now, may I present to you, "First Was Last."
First Was Last by Tyler Knott Gregson
Today I started thinking Today I saw the truth that what I have to offer and all I’ve tried to do don’t amount to anything and won’t make me someone to you.
The first time that I saw you was the first time that I knew that all I am and who I’ll be does not interest you.
Today I slowly realized Today I saw the light that no matter how hard I try now matter how much I fight it won’t add up to anything and won’t bring you home tonight.
The first time that I saw you was the first time I could see that no matter how much I think of you you do not think of me.
Today I stopped and questioned Today I wondered why that all of the attempts I’ve made and all the times I try don’t lead to even a single hello and the last thing that I hear is goodbye.
The first time that I saw you was the last time I felt free but now I know it doesn’t matter what I am or who I’ll be.
I have been home alone since Thursday morning, and I am bored. It is strange being alone in a house that usually is so active; when I was in college I would get used to being alone in an apartment, it was mine, and no one else was supposed to live there. Now, I am in my parent's house, and I think it grows with every hour that passes. I feel like I can hear my own echo. I decided to battle this boredom with re-arranging my room again. The way it was previously set up really made the room seem ridiculously small, so I thought I could remedy that situation. I spent all day yesterday, and part of today fine tuning the new arrangement and when I finally finished, I was extremely tired. I decided to snap a timed exposure of me finally napping on my bed, well in the pre-nap stage. My bed fits amazingly into this corner of the room and I swear it is beyond inviting. Isn't it strange how something as simple as re-arranging your room, can make you feel so much better? Like you re-arranged a whole lot more, like you re-structured your entire life. Wow. I am glad my Mom is coming home soon, I get bored easy.
I finally got to sit down and watch a movie I've been meaning to watch for quite sometime, "Lost in Translation." I do not know exactly how to explain how much I loved this film. The movie reminded me of so many things, and showed me so much I hadn't seen before. I've never seen a movie capture such an awkward, but for some reason entirely perfect infatuation between two people, with such grace, and poignancy. Bill Murray has always been one of the funniest men alive, but in this movie he really matched his wit, with his unbelievable ability to slip in and out of total vulnerability. Scarlett Johansson was beautiful, and you could feel her emptiness, and longing. I think that is why I related so well to this movie, and to the relationship that weaved its way throughout it; the uncertainty and longing felt by Scarlett's character. I am in a transitory period of my life, and the scary thing is, I do not yet know where the transition is even taking me. I feel like she did, lost in a big city, where it's tough to find someone that just speaks your language a little; speaks "you" enough to figure out where you've come from, and where you're going.
Whatever it was, the movie really hit me. It was strange but as the movie ended, I actually found myself rooting for both of them to be infidelitious, I Wanted them to run away together, and that is something that really perplexed me. The movie was amazing and I loved the way tiny moments, little details, and unimportant idiosyncrasies that exist silently between two people were highlighted with such accuracy. The part in which Bill Murray finally reaches down and holds her foot was dead on, and you could feel both the tension, and the complete catharsis that took place the moment his fingers met skin. I do not know, but I loved the movie, and I think everyone should see it, soon.
I bought new basketball shoes today. My old shoes were so worn down my toes could feel the floor beneath me, and I ice skated my way through layups. This, fortunately, has been remedied and for that I am pleased. With this new pair of shoes, I am turning over a new leaf. I have abandoned basketball for quite some time now, pushing it away and only letting it see the light of day in the summer time. I am sorry basketball, forgive me please. Starting tomorrow, I will be a member of the YMCA again, and I will play noon-ball with local business men as many days as my little legs can handle it. I am playing on a still seriously sprained ankle, but nevertheless this new leaf feels good. I can not wait to get back into the flow of the game, and I can not wait to get back into good shape. The shoe hunt was a rough one today, I guess not being in the market for a quality pair of kicks for over 2 years has blinded me to a lot; a lot of really ugly basketball shoes. I do not know what it is, but for some reason gaudy gold and silver streaks, huge soles, full shoe wraps, and even shock absorbers on the heel of a basketball shoe have taken over the market, and I must say, they are pretty hideous. I looked all over today, and right when I was about to give up hope, I found my shoe. It's a little bit old school, a little bit new school, and a whole lot of cool. With the exception of the "cool" part, they are a lot like me. They fit great, and they are my style, completely my style, so I am a happy man. $64 later and the leaf is ready to be turned. Take a look at the beauties that are the Converse All-Stars.
Do you have a dirty mind? Research has shown that young children cannot see, nor identify the intimate couple in this drawing as they have absolutely no prior memory or experience to associate such a scenario with.
What they see, is 9 dolphins. This is a test to see if your mind is corrupted already, and if so, just how corrupted it really is. If you find it difficult to pick out all 9 dolphins within 10 seconds, you are indeed corrupted. If you can not find any, look at the womans arms, there are two facing each other.
-Thank You Craig at MT Politics for sharing this little gem of humor.
|
